Married Couples: Making it Work!

Being married can be wonderful. Overall, married couples are healthier and live longer than Single people (if the relationship is working). Happily married couples live an average of 4 years longer than if unhappy couples. If you are in an unhappy marriage, your chances of getting sick are 35% higher than if your marriage is happy.

there are several reasons why you may be in an unhappy marriage. Poor attitude, inadequate relationship skills, and not being clear on your vision. If you skipped the pre-committed stage (you jumped into marriage before seeing if the relationship was a good long term choice), you may be having problems now.

If you are having problems, first determine what the problem is.

Is it a problem of attitude?

Being committed is fact if you are married, but a committed attitude is also vital. If you or your partner are feeling that the relationship is not working and you or your partner are looking around for something better or more exciting, attitude is a problem.

Commitment requires being fully involved and determined to make it work- both of you!

One very dysfunctional state of marriage is what I call the uncertain marriage. This is an when one or both parties are feeling that the relationship is "dying on the vine". Life together is boring and unfulfilling. Sex is nonexistent or not exciting. You have nothing to talk about and feel uncomfortable when together or are uninterested in your partner's life. Check out this page for more infomation or to "spice up" your marriage

Is it a problem of skills deficit?

If there is lots of arguing, there could be two reasons. One is that you and your partner need to learn some relationship skills. Click here for the Relationship Skills Toolbox. Some of the necessary relationship skills include, communication, emotion control or emotional reactivity, learning your partners "Love Languages", among others. Having a full toolbox of relationship skills prepares you for any eventuality.

Another reason for an unhealthy relationship is an out of balance equity system. All couples have an equity system- some call it an emotional bank account, others might call it tit-for-tat. Tit-for-tat is used to refer to the tendency for people to punish each other in turn when things are out of balance. When the equity system is out of balance, conflict often arises. This is a state where one or both partners feel they are not getting there "fair share" of love, attention, sex, or positive emotions, among other things. Building a positive balance in the bank account requires a conscious effort, a positive attitude, and a desire by both partners to bring the account into the black. check out The Couples Equity System here.

Marriages that are in trouble are often caught in what I call the contempt loop. They show their contempt for each other in a variety of ways that is harmful to the health of the relationship. This is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, according to John Gottman. Clcik here to review the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse page Gottman is the premiere relationship researcher of our time. He has studied thousands of married couples in his marriage lab. He touts that he can identify through just 5 minutes of observation, which couples will divorce and which will stay married. He observe couples while monitoring heart rate, blood flow, galvanic skin response (sweat output), and immune response in real time. He interviewed each couple, reviewing the tapes and asking about times when the physiological responses spiked (heart rate went up, etc.)

Gottman believes that marriage failure is not commonly understood, that most marriage therapy does not work because it is addressing the wrong things. He describes a number of relationship myths that are commonly, but incorrectly identified as relationship busters. Clcik here for The Marriage Myths page.